I’ve been scared lately.

At least three times a week I wake up at 1 am. Scared.

Sometimes it’s 3 am. Still scared.

Are you scared, too?

I think many Americans are frightened and discouraged by what’s happened in our government ever since the far right and Trump ascended. As a country, we are a large part of the world, and what we do matters. But now the emphasis is me, me, me and what you can give me, me, me. Cruelty and greed are in. Compassion and neighborliness are out.

So…I’m scared. And ashamed.

The name calling (are we in an elementary school redux loop?). The lies (no, Zelensky did not invade his own country; no, USAID workers are not worms). The imperialism (no, Greenland does not want to be owned by the US). The news censorship and book banning (hands off my library!).

I have to say I was scared by what this new presidency would bring. I also have to say it’s been so much worse than my worse imaginings.

The government action that saddened me the most is the trashing and trash-talking directed at USAID. This is the one that wakes me up at night most frequently. USAID, founded in 1961 by President Kennedy, provides key medical intervention, disease prevention, and food assistance to some of the poorest people on the planet. As citizens, we used to care about the welfare of others regardless of which political party was in power.

But we also get things in return thanks to USAID, Mr. President Transactional Trump. We get good will and connection and inroads into multiple societies around the world. We also get good intel about global threats present and future. So I feel the move to trash USAID was both heartless and harmful to others and to ourselves.

Like others, I’m scared about how much power the president is seizing. He refuses to comply with money allocations that Congress approved.  How is that legal?

I read about people who voted for Trump because of the price of eggs. Remember how many times Trump talked about the price of eggs and posed in front of grocery items when giving speeches? And now I don’t hear Trump talking about eggs. Not sure the word has passed his lips since January. Some of those Trump voters are now shocked at his chaotic actions and his lack of action on campaign promises such as reducing the price of eggs. But remember the story of the scorpion and the frog, and how the scorpion promised not to sting the frog if the frog carried him across the river? And how shocked the frog was when the scorpion stung him and they both began to drown? And the scorpion said, “It’s my nature. You knew who I was before we began.” Note to self.

What do you do with fear? What do you do when you are scared?

What I find myself doing is spending less time watching news and political commentary. I used to love watching Morning Joe for a couple of hours in the early morning as I worked on rugs. Even though I love the crew there, I now limit myself to about a half hour. I’ve also had to cut back on the evening political commentary shows such as Rachel Maddow and Abby Phillips. Partly that is because of the sleep disturbance that being scared entails.

Mindful of Thomas Jefferson’s quote—”The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain occasions that I wish it to be always kept alive”—I am participating in today’s economic boycott.

People do have power. And exercising power can sometimes help you fight the scaredies.  And right now, having written all this, I am perhaps, maybe, just a little bit less scared.

So, what do you do when you are scared? Are you participating in today’s economic boycott? What do you think about shopping (or not shopping) as resistance?